At City Church, we love to remind each other of God's story of creation, fall, redemption, & renewal. We also strive to remind each other that God's story intersects with our own personal journey. Each Tuesday for the past 8 weeks, a City Church attender has be sharing a piece of their story on our blog of a time when this intersection was especially evident for them. The last story in this series comes from Rebecca Boyer-Andersen.
In another week my semester at UD will be starting up again, classes will resume, and I will be on my way to finishing a Master's degree in Education. I wish I could say this is part of some well-thought-out career transition, or the fulfillment of a lifelong dream, or something like that. But the truth is, I'm not really sure what I'm doing or where this is leading. Oh, don’t worry, I do have a "story" I use in order to talk about this choice.
One thing I've learned in over half a century of living is that you have to have a story. This is sort of like when you're in college and well-meaning adults ask you what your major is, and what are you going to do with that. You have to have some justification for the direction you've chosen. This need persists after college, through job interviews with questions like: why do you want to come work for this company? or, where do you see yourself in five years? The real answer may be that you just need a job-- any job-- and that you have no clue where you'll be in five years, but you need to show that you've thought about your career, have a plan, and that this job fits just perfectly into this plan in a way that will benefit your prospective employer. You have to have a story to tell.
For long stretches of my adult life, I have struggled with knowing what kind of work I should devote myself to and invest my time and energies in. I figured God has made everyone with some unique combination of talents, temperament, and passions-- so there must be some vocation that I am uniquely called to pursue. Homeschooling my three kids was that calling for me when I was younger. All of my interests and talents seemed to mesh perfectly with the business of educating my kids at home. In addition, I was active in the Delaware homeschooling community, taught co-op classes, took on leadership roles, and formed great relationships with other Christian women. It was 15 years of feeling like I was made for this.
Then my kids grew up. And I needed to get a job to pay for all that college tuition. I went back to school to pursue another undergraduate degree, one that would hopefully get me paid employment. I finished a degree in Medical Technology the same year my oldest graduated from college. I got a job in a local lab, then went into industry to work in technical support, then moved into management. Honestly, none of these moves were that well thought-out. I stumbled into Medical Technology (most people had never even heard of this as a major), got my industry job after completely blowing the interview for a different job with the same company, and took the management job because I was starting to get bored and figured I'd try something new. After a couple years in management, I was so stressed out by my job I knew I wanted out, but saw no graceful exit strategy. I needed a story, an explanation, a justification for leaving. I settled on grad school. And it worked out well, my exit. My team was happy for me, I had a great going-away experience, and everyone congratulated me on following my dream. Only trouble was-- I wasn't really sure I was doing the right thing.
For the past 10 or 15 years, I am continually asking God to tell me what I should be doing with my life in the world of adult work. Should I be practical and just look for a job with a good salary and benefits? Should I look for work that will help people & benefit humanity somehow? Should I try to figure out what I'm the best at and do that? I always knew my homeschooling dream job wasn't going to last forever. But I couldn't believe that I was created to be a great homeschooler for 15 years, and then just wander aimlessly for the next 30 or 40. There had to be something I was supposed to do next.
But honestly, I haven't really gotten much of an answer. Well, I take that back. I haven't gotten the big, vision-for-my- life answer, but I have gotten lots of smaller answers: Go there. Now go there. Now do this. It's just really difficult for me to take direction like that because I long to know the endgame. What's the goal? What's the big picture?
I try to think of Abram being told by God to "Go from your country ... to the land that I will show you." Abram didn't know where he was going, he just went. I'm not very good at that kind of obedience. I always want to make things happen. I need a plan. I need to be in control.
The thing is, I can see the good God had for me along the paths I followed only by looking backward. No experience ever goes to waste. God had something in mind. However, I just can't see the goal at the time.
I've always been the kind of person who runs at any opportunity that looks interesting, or useful, or like it would be "good for me." A number of those kinds of opportunities have presented themselves recently, so I'm trying to resist wanting to "make something happen" that will nail down the direction I'm going in. I'm trying to listen for God's voice, and not the voice inside my head. I'm trying to actually wait until I hear him say, “Ok, now go do that.” And I'm trying to be ok with not knowing the big picture. So that when he says go, I can just go.